Aristotelian v.s. Platonic Love

Aristotelian love is that conception of love to which love of another human being (I) stems from a fundamental completeness of person - an achieved moral character and its consequence, an authentic self-love; and (II) is aimed at a heightened, and joyous, self-experience, as an end in itself, not a means to some greater end - because there is no greater end for a human being than his own happiness of earth, and such life is a source of profound happiness. 

Platonic love is that conception of love according to which love of another human being (I) stems from a fundamental incompleteness of person, and (II) is aimed at some higher goal and value beyond the love relationship itself, through which the desired completeness is approached. 

6 key aspects of the Aristotelian alternative to Platonic love:

1. There is nothing higher or more real than the individual. 

2. Completeness of character (moral perfection) is possible. 

3. Humans can achieve full virtues. 

4. Humans take pride in this and this is profoundly good. 

5. Love for others is an expression of love for self. 

6. Love is an end in itself. 

Kena

The $30 parking fine was due yesterday. It was my moms fault. My dad was overseas this week so my mom had been using his car for the past week. 

My mom dropped me off at a friend's apartment for a Christmas party, saying that she would pay the fine on the way home after that. 

The next morning I woke up a little hungover and she was sitting on the sofa watching TV. I asked her, so did you go pay the fine last night? She looked at me and said no, she will go pay it later. 

In the evening we were going to pick up my dad from the airport. On the way there I asked her, so did you go pay the fine today? She paused for a while and said no. 

My dad got in the car. He told us about his trip. About halfway he asked us if we had paid the parking fine yet and I said "Yes". 

When we got home my dad got his bags and I told him "We need to go to mummy's office to put down some things, we will come back later."

We drove to Thomson Plaza. Before I got out of the car my mother said “阿颖，你真的是个很好的女孩。谁放弃你没有眼光。”

I got out of the car and went to the machine to pay the fine. The $30 fine dated 27/11/2014 was there, unpaid. 

And below that I saw another fine of $10. It was dated 17/12/2014. 

Encounters

Today a man came up to me on the street and told me he was a face reader or whatever you call it. He told me that I have a good life but poor luck. He said I have a smart face. But there's a lot of Yin stuff near me for a long time. That's why I have bad luck. And he said I carry other people's bad luck for them too. And that's why I have these dark eye rings and don't get fat even though I eat well. He said that's why I get dreams that jolt my body awake at night.

Then he took out a golden charm and told me that today is an auspicious day for me because I met him, and he's going to be my benefactor. He said all I have to do to get rid of this bad energy is to put the charm in water and use the water to wash my face. He said then my eyebags will disappear and things will get better.

I said ok cool, interesting. So are you going to give it to me or something?

He said I have to give a donation to the temple which would be $20.

I thought about it briefly because $20 isn't a lot to improve my quality of life drastically and solve my dark eye circle problem. Even for a laugh and some hope, $20 sounds ok.

This Side of Paradise

"Youth is like having a big plate of candy. Sentimentalists think they want to be in the pure, simple state they were in before they ate the candy. They don't. They just want the fun of eating it all again. The matron doesn't want to repeat her girlhood - she wants to repeat her honeymoon. I don't want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again."

Real Love

That's all there is

Belief is the thought that that something is true although it may or may not be true

"I believe that the sky is blue"

Trust is the act where you extend a belief from a specific instance but a general quality possessed by an object

"I trust my eyes (to perceive the world around me accurately)"

Faith is the possessed ability to trust in a general quality possessed by an object

"I have faith in empirical observation (as a reliable and at the very least, safe, way of deriving knowledge)"

True Love Leaves No Traces

As the mist leaves no scar

On the dark green hill

So my body leaves no scar
On you and never will

Through windows in the dark

The children come, the children go

Like arrows with no target 

Like shackles made of snow 

True love leaves no traces

If you and I are one

It's lost in our embraces

Like stars against the sun

As a falling leaf may rest

A moment on the air
So your head upon my breast
So my hand upon your hair 

And many nights endure

Without a moon 

Without a star 

So will we endure 

When one is gone and far

True love leaves no traces

If you and I are one

It's lost in our embraces 

Like stars against the sun 

2am

The nights are getting colder. 

I know.

Love

Congratulations

There was a time when all I listened to was this song but I can't remember when exactly that was anymore

Spending a lot of time with my dad these days. On Monday I got home early from work. He was watching TV and I sat down on the other sofa and started reading the IKEA catalog. He asked, what do you want to eat for dinner? And I said I wanna go to IKEA! So we drove out and had dinner at the market near IKEA and then went to buy a few little things for the house. After that we came home and lugged everything upstairs. We spent another hour sitting on the floor building up the little bench I bought for my bedroom. The whole time I was telling him about my different colleagues and friends and work and places we should go visit as a family together. 

Feeling like I'm making things better around the house and taking care of my parents is probably what makes me happiest these days. It's really all I need.

Red Snapper

I think what I'm really stuck in is the idea that if I feel very strongly about something, then I have to do it. That conviction makes something make sense. But it's so obvious that it doesn't. At the same time nothing else really makes anything make sense. It's like how justified true belief doesn't necessarily work all the time. It's just all useful tips and tricks for getting on with life. You build up all this crap around you and really it's all just to keep you barely alive.

And for what?

Sunday

Grow up

What a lot of the older girls tell me is that yeah, there's always going to be somebody that you really really really loved. But he's not going to be the one you married.

What?

Yeah. It'll be sad, but that's how it is.

That's fucking awful. That's the most depressing thing I ever heard.

Chill, it's not that bad. It just means there'll be "the one who got away" and then the one you married, father of your children, whatever. And you'll probably still have a happy marriage and a happy family.

But it won't make any sense right? If there's someone else out there you really loved and you're not with that person?

I don't know. I guess I wouldn't really care. It'll be one of those things you just gotta let go of.

Love?

Not love altogether, just that whatever... great big love thing. Maybe it's not even love at all. It could be just like, infatuation and shit.

Then why wouldn't you feel that way about the person you're with? The happy marriage happy family guy?

Because you can't feel that way all the time I guess. You can feel that way about somebody and then remember it after it goes away. And then there's your husband or wife or whoever, and you can't be like oh my god madly in love all the time right? It'll be insane and dysfunctional and tiring. You'll love that person all the time, still, but it'll be a different sort of love. A quiet peaceful kind of love instead of the oh my god i love you kind of feeling.

Okay... I guess. But can't you love the same person both ways? The madly in love way and the quiet thanks for taking care of me way?

I don't think so. There's an element of fantasy involved with feelings of infatuation, right, and that makes it harder to accept the person and the relationship as they really are. And if you can't get over the feeling, you'll never get anywhere real with him. It'll just be crazy expectations and disappointment all the time and you'll both suffer for it. You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah I do. But it's really stupid.

Maybe.

But it's even more stupid to be unable to get over that shit though, if what you're saying is true. If it's a fantasy then you should have the sense to get over that shit and just focus on your family and your husband and the father of your children. You wouldn't have any regrets about that other thing.

It's hard to not have regrets about the other thing though. If it was taken away from you, you'd regret it too.

What if you walk away yourself?

If you walked away yourself? I guess you'd have less to feel sore about, but wouldn't you feel regret there too? I know I would.

I guess I would.

Yeah.

But fuck that. I don't want to have regrets.

And that's why you don't want to give up?

Yeah.

Well, good luck with that then.


-----------


Hey. I'm still thinking about what we talked about just now. I don't think I have to end up like that. I don't think anybody has to.

What? Like what?

Like living with regrets. I can't accept something like that.

God, you are really mental. So what are you thinking then?

I'm thinking that there's really a line to draw between infatuation and love. And I'm thinking that everybody who's thinking about "the one who got away" really needs to wake up and throw that shit out of the window. If you love someone you don't nurse regrets about people in the past. It's a distraction, it's a coping mechanism for people who settled for something instead of chasing down and getting what they really wanted.

Dude that is really extreme. Don't say stuff like that.

Why not?

Because everybody lives with their decisions and if this is how they are and how they cope with compromising then fine! You can't tell them all, like, fuck you for giving up and settling. Most people make rational and practical choices and usually, that's not the same thing you've got violent feelings for. And that's life. That's being realistic.

It sounds like giving up.

And you think giving up is a bad thing?

Yeah it is. You shouldn't give anything up. You should be choosing. If you have really strong feelings about something, and it also makes sense rationally and practically, then you don't give up anything, right?

But feelings aren't rational.

No! Why do people keep saying that? If something doesn't make sense, do you feel it?

Yeah, maybe. Like I look at this Burger King advertisement and I feel like I want to eat a burger. That's not rational.

Then do you actually want to eat a burger?

No... I just ate dinner.

Then what do you feel like exactly?

What do you mean?

Do you really feel like you want to eat a burger?

I guess on some level I do, but if you ask me if I want to eat a burger, I guess I don't.

Is that your final conclusion?

Yeah. I shouldn't anyway.

Dammit just answer the question.

No I don't want to eat a burger. What's your point?

I don't know. I guess feelings are confusing. I don't even feel like I want to talk about it anymore.

Let's just go back to what you were saying about giving up. You don't believe in giving up.

Yeah I don't.

Why not?

If you love somebody, you won't give up on them.

What if you have to?

Why would you have to?

You know what life is like, sometimes you just have to give up on the things you want. Some things just aren't meant to be.

Yeah, I know that.

You do?

Yeah, I'm not a child. You're right, people have to give things up all the time. Money, time, freedom, whatever.

Like giving up smoking. You know you have to, even if you don't feel like it at all.

Yeah, exactly. But you don't give up on everything, do you? Are there things you don't give up on?

Yeah.

Yeah, some things are too important to give up on, right? And knowing that makes it easier to give up the stuff that isn't so important, right?

Yeah I guess.

So yeah, isn't true love one of those things?

Maybe. But not for everyone, I think.

What about you?

I don't know. Do you know?

Yeah I do.

And?

Fuck yeah it is! 

If you love me dont leave me

Theme

I cut my stomach open and all my guts spilled out. Everything that was inside suddenly came up to the surface. The blood was really gross and ugly and beautiful all at the same time, and it went everywhere it got stuck in between the bathroom tiles it got all over the nice white dry clean only bedsheets. Everything was fine just a few seconds before. You know it's always there, inside of you, you never really have to think about it and now you're looking at it. It's not like an alien substance. It's your blood, it's you. And it's fucking hard to clean up.

And Nothing Is Ever As You Want It To Be

You lose your love for her and then 

It is her who is lost, 

And then it is both who are lost,
And nothing is ever as perfect as you want it to be.

In a very ordinary world
A most extraordinary pain mingles with the small routines,
The loss seems huge and yet
Nothing can be pinned down or fully explained.

You are afraid.
If you found the perfect love
It would scald your hands,
Rip the skin from your nerves,
Cause havoc with a computered heart.

You lose your love for her and then it is her who is lost.
You tried not to hurt and yet
Everything you touched became a wound.
You tried to mend what cannot be mended,
You tried, neither foolish nor clumsy,
To rescue what cannot be rescued.

You failed,
And now she is elsewhere
And her night and your night
Are both utterly drained.

How easy it would be
If love could be brought home like a lost kitten
Or gathered in like strawberries,
How lovely it would be;
But nothing is ever as perfect as you want it to be.

Call

The stock crashed 93% in a day wiping out billions of dollars. On the phone with the analyst it became clearer and clearer that the company hadn't moved a significant number of units at all and now wasn't expected to anymore. Now it had 1.3 billion dollars in liabilities and net cash position of 85 million dollars.

"I know it all sounds pretty bad but what's the realistic downside we're looking at here?"

"Well, the stock could go to zero... the exchange has rules and regulations about the minimum price at which a stock can trade so... whether it continues trading will be up to that.

"So if we're looking at a price target of 75 cents, what's the upside scenario?"

"I... don't have an upside scenario." 

James Murphy LCD Soundsystem

Were you surprised by how much ‘All My Friends’ resonated emotionally with people?

JM: After ‘Losing My Edge’, very little surprises me because that was the surprise of my life. Nothing will ever be strange again because the experience of doing ‘Losing My Edge’ and suddenly not being an invisible person was so immense. ‘All My Friends’ woke me up to something else. I didn’t realize what emotional impact melody has on people. I always think about lyrics and what they actually mean and then I realised the energy I respond to physically people respond to emotionally. ‘Transmission’ is my favourite Joy Division song because of the way it arcs and arcs and arcs and at the end he’s screaming the same thing. And all he’s saying is ‘Dance to the radio!’ and I just want to cry. I never really considered what the song is about – it’s just an object. I think about songs in terms of them just being objects and not things that are about something else.

Is that why you’ve never explained what ‘Someone Great’ is about?

JM: I just think it’s unnecessary because it’s personal. Songs are songs and to reduce them is to waste them. If I wanted to make something about something I would write an essay. But even within an essay you want there to be an objectness to it. It would be great to have an essay that has language that sonically is beautiful. I always hated poetry because I felt like it seemed like a waste of an opportunity. To hide that in prose seemed more interesting — to try to get away with that density of meaning without being like, ‘Hello! Density of meaning!’, which made me want to fucking die. [Hushed, pretentious voice] Because then/People would read them/In this voice/That was reserved/For poems/And I felt/That I should kill them/Today/Tomorrow. Whereas nobody will do a better job than ‘Drive to the forest in a Japanese car/The smell of rubber on concrete tar/Hindsight does me no good/Standing naked in the back of the woods/The cassette plays Poptones.’ It’s amazing! It’s perfect. Or ‘Loose’. Iggy could be yelling anything, John Lydon could be whispering anything, but the fact that there’s also all these dense things is kind of incredible.

http://thequietus.com/articles/04522-lcd-soundsystem-james-murphy-interview

Sometimes

Sometimes you think all you want is somebody who knows what kind of toilet paper you like but it's a big world out there, and lots of people might know what kind of toilet paper you like but they'll be wrong for you in so many ways you can't even imagine. Some people might even just think they know what kind of toilet paper you like, when really, they have no idea at all.

And there's going to be somebody who has no idea what kind of toilet paper you like. But you think well, this is going to be the person who's going to find out for himself, what kind of toilet paper I like. After spending a long time together you think to yourself, well, surely by now he knows what kind of toilet paper I like. How could he not? It's the only thing in the world that I think is important. It's a warm and fuzzy thought, and you go to bed, peaceful in the knowledge that you're one of the lucky ones who found somebody who know what kind of toilet paper you like.

The next morning you put on your glasses and walk into the toilet to brush your teeth. You notice that there's a fresh roll of toilet paper next to the toilet bowl. 

Then it all comes crashing down on you as you realise... what the fuck... who the fuck bought... TESCO VALUE TOILET TISSUE??????!!!!

It's very simple. It's never simple.

Whatever looks like the most obvious way to get what you want is definitely not what you should be doing right now. If success is sure, you've already won. Move on. Whatever you go out to collect will waste your time and weigh you down.

I went to lunch with a group of young people just like me. Out of 12 people at the table nobody was happy except for those who had found a way out and were grateful for that.

Every hour and every day I change my mind about what I need to do to achieve what I want out of life including happiness and success. The end goal doesn't change, but the near term stuff does all the time. The worst thing is how resolute I feel about it each time, and how hard I think about it. It's like an overflowing bathtub.

My mind is so cluttered up now that I'm not working on anything big. Do new things, think new thoughts, feel new feelings. 

Play on

We all had fun and then the end showed up. It was a little weird, but nobody put up a fight. I think we were all tired. My eyes are turning red around the edges. It feels like a miracle to be standing here, at the side of this shit road covered in taxis and people just as shitty as I am. We're all just trying to get a ride out, man.

Next week I'm calling for the official end of the season. It's been coming anyway. Even if I turn out my pockets I've got nothing left right now.

Coastin'

No idea where I'm going and sometimes that's immensely enjoyable and sometimes I don't enjoy it so much. It doesn't seem like a positive quality for a young person to possess, though. I listen to people who act like they've got it all together, people who've got a plan. I thought I'd become more and more like those people and less and less like me. But I was only learning how to talk like them, act like them. It's nice, and why not? It would be better if I believed it all, but now I don't. It's fizzed out a little, maybe. I'm losing interest in things, losing interest in people, losing motivation to keep up any pretense of a disciplined lifestyle. I want to jump in the sea and stay there for a long time. I want to drive around and go anywhere I want, any time I want. If I go soon I'll have good time for the return. I'm scared of losing my sense of direction and not being able to find my way back.

Phuket

There you are

Oh there you are. 

No I'm not. 

What? 

I'm not here. Go away. 

What? What? That doesn't even make sense. Come on. Let's go. 

You go. I'm not going anywhere. 

You're going to stay here forever?? 

No. 

Then let's go. Get up. Let's go now. 

No. I don't want to go. 

What? Why not? 

I just don't want to go and I don't want to go with you. 

What's wrong with me? 

Nothing. Nothing's wrong with you. I just won't go with you. 

Why not? 

I'll get upset. It's no good if I go with you. I don't want to go back to the way things were. I'd rather stay here on my own. 

Come on. Don't say that. It's ok. Weren't things ok? It's really all ok most of the time, isn't it?

No it's not, that's what you think, and that's what's wrong with the whole thing. It's not actually ok. And just because I feel that way and you don't doesn't mean you're right and I'm wrong about it. 

Ok, ok. Come on. 

Come on what?

You won't come with me? 

No I won't. I'm sorry. I wish I could but I can't. I really can't anymore. 

Then... Then can I stay here? 

What?

Then can I stay here? I've been looking for you all over the place. I came here and found you. I wasn't going to leave without you. I didn't know where we were going to go but I thought we would go together. So if you're not moving, fine. I've got nowhere to go. I'm just going to stay. 

Who said you can stay here?

Who said you could stay here? 

Fine. Ok. 

Could you move over. I'm going to lie down. I'm really tired. Thanks. 

Rut

I was twisting a flower around my finger until the stem broke. This was in a dream. The question is not whether you are happy or not but whether you should be happy or not. Some people keep quiet and it's strange to hear them speak, but you end up spending the whole night waiting for it anyway. You know that people all have stories. They're playing in your head, all day and at night while you lie in bed, eyes open. And you thought that's what happens for everybody else as well, but maybe that's not the case. 

Recent thoughts Jun-14

1. Having no time is an excuse because time is a resource and being able to make time and manage your time is about efficiency and productivity and resourceful. 

2. It's Lawrence's world, and we're all just living in it. 

3. I really like this pink dress. I think I'm going to buy it in black as well. 

4. We went to the stadium. The audience sat in their chairs as the music started. I still don't know how the sound brought me close to tears. It wasn't even that good. 

5. All my life I thought one day a great big wave would pick me up and take me away with it. The closest experience I've had so far is being part of a Kallang Wave. I wonder if that's what I wanted all along. 

《青玉案·元夕》

东风夜放花千树，
更吹落、
星如雨。
宝马雕车香满路。
风箫声动，
玉壶光转，
一夜鱼龙舞。
蛾儿雪柳黄金缕，
笑语盈盈暗香去。
众里寻他千百度；
蓦然回首，
那人却在
灯火阑珊处。

-辛弃疾

Horizon Green

I looked around and everything was greyed out. 

The best things appear without you realising and are still there when you do. 

This week I told someone that he's perfect

Do you feel overwhelmed when good things happen to you?

Yeah, I still feel that way a lot. 

Why do you feel weird? Isn't this what you always wanted?

Maybe I just wanted these things because I wanted to get what I want, and I didn't care about the thing at all.

So do you know what you want now?

Not really. It always changes, but I'm figuring it out. It's like some sort of sick process. If I want something I go and get it and then when I get it I can then see if I wanted it at all to begin with.

That's perverse. That sounds tiring and a bit selfish.

Yeah you're right. It is tiring. And I am a bit selfish. So what?

Pick and choose

I am incredibly sad right now / I am incredibly happy right now

Everything is just fucked up / Everything is just great 

The future looks like shit / The future looks beautiful 

It's getting worse / It's just getting better 

There's no hope / There's so much hope 

I will never have anything I want / I will have everything I ever wanted 

Life is terrible / Life is amazing 

Not Fade Away

21 May

It was an early evening and the sky was turning dark.

We got off the bus and walked side by side towards his house. He said, "Actually dying doesn't seem so bad. I mean, life, all this shit - it's so fucking tiring man."

"Hmm ya. Some dude said something like that, like... 'Dying is easy, it's this day to day living that wears you out.'*" I said, holding his hand. 

"Well that's a very smart guy who said that. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it. Can't see the point of it all."

"Don't say that it's not true."

We continued walking. He started talking about something else. I don't remember what it was. What I remember is that but in my heart then I knew there was a point. Life is okay, there's something to live for. I can't name it, but I can feel its warm glow inside of me, like street lights in the night. 

* “Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to dayliving that wears you out.” ― Anton Chekhov. 

Bloody headlights

I dreamt I was driving a car on a dark road and all I could see was a pool of light and the white stripes on the road. The car was full of people and voices I couldn't see either. I was driving down a straight road and going very fast and at some point I thought I might have hit something but the sound left as quickly as it came. I said should I stop?? And a voice told me it's nothing, carry on, and as I drove on I realised that the white stripes of the road had bloody streaks across them, but that's not possible, unless the bloody streaks were on my windshield instead. 

Dream: 06-May-14

The other day I dreamt of a grey sky and a building submerged in the water, and I was walking around the side of it following behind M and both of us were holding on to the side of the building trying to keep as close as possible, because we were walking along the top line of these stone steps that led into the water. There were enormous black and silver fishes in the water, swimming near the surface and coming very near me and I had to step carefully so that I wouldn't get my shoes too wet or step on the fishes instead. They looked like the fishes Hee and I saw when we were at the river safari last week.

After that we were walking along a path in a small forest, which opened out into a sunny clearing where there were restaurants and we sat down for brunch.

He started talking about how shit his life was, like all the difficult things and I was telling him that surely it's not so bad. We were waiting for somebody to turn up, and like in dreams, that person could have been either of two people, even though the second person I remembered would have been completely out of point.

I woke up and the main thing I remembered was saying "but you have a gorgeous wife". The rest of the day I kept thinking about the grey sky and the big fish that were swimming around too close. 

MND

Sometimes I can't help it, the colours bleed out of the borderlines and I look like I'm out of control.

If I could keep cool all the time I would, and would act like it, but it's always a matter of choice, a subjective choice, and if I don't see that I have to be I just wouldn't choose to be.

If I had to suffer all the misery in the world just so I could turn my head and see you looking at me and smiling I think I can make myself ok with that

At the end of the day if you're happy I'm happy

New York City

London

NYC episodes

Yesterday was a sunny one. We had a slow day walking around the streets. Late afternoon Xiu and I sat on benches next to a mini track and field watching Aran play football. Being in New York City again feels like being in a bubble, a big wet shiny bubble that's a little too heavy to really fly for long and is probably going to pop. Over dinner I explained to my cousin what I've been doing since graduating. I wonder what I'll be saying in another couple of years. It all fills me up with dread and hope. That sticky phlegm really takes a lot to get out. 

#%#^!!?#%

The Seemingly Endless List of Things that Give Me Hives 

Latest addition: kimchi fried rice 

Yogyakarta

Decompression Sickness

I'm done man, I'm worn out, I'm happy and I've had enough. God help us. 

Having A Cold

I woke up this morning next to you. You were too tired to get up and I had a reading group to go for. I I didn't feel like talking a lot today. It was too hot and I was having a cold. My head was all fuzzy and the sun didn't help. Came back and we shopped for fishes at Clementi because your fish keep dying and they're all bottom feeders anyway. We took 15 minutes to catch it, but you managed to get a blue "African fish" for me because I liked it. My sister and I went to the supermarket and then cooked dinner for my dad and then we all watched Infernal Affairs 3 together. It was a really nice day aside from the fact that I've been blowing my nose into toilet paper for two days because we had run out of tissues and I'm considering stuffing a wad of it into my nostril to soak up my drippy mucus.

Chinese New Year 2014

A tragic hero is one who has a fatal flaw. Because he cannot change, he is ruined. 

Humans can change and it seems like we must if we want to live and be happy. It is an illusion to imagine that a person cannot and does not change. All the time our situations and persons are changing and if we can acknowledge it then there is at least some hope that we can put up sails and direct a safe way through, rather than run sideways into the current and wreck ourselves. 

I hope to become less stubborn, I don't want to lose sight of important things. I don't want to get myself into trouble I can't get out of. I don't want to ruin myself forever. I don't want to die. 

Everytime I see you in the world

I can't stop thinking or talking about what a insane album this is. I've been listening to this song nearly every day since I heard it for the first time, tripped out on shit at a new girl's house. Not like this is my favourite band in the world right now but after reading their lyrics on RapGenius I can't help but feel awe at how rich their songs are and how similar their world view is to mine, I guess to plenty of other young people out there in the world today who live in cities and question the existence of God, among other things. And they are living, breathing, performing artists and this world is developing in tandem with their commentary of it and I know that in many, many, many years I will listen to this music and today, this month, this year, whatever lay inside of the thin borderlines of the bubble of my youth will come crashing back into me.

This Morning

Once I had a love and it was a gas

Soon turned out had a heart of glass 

Blue

Every day there is a time where the sky is the same colour as the sea and the horizon becomes invisible. Standing on the other side of these glass walls you can imagine the ships floating by are floating not on water but in the sky. 

Time

Every day I look at you I know I love you more and more and it's filling up my body and tingling in the ends of my fingers and toes. 

Horses

We wanted to be pure and beautiful. We sang and we danced, and we listened to music with the volume turned all the way up. We drove our cars fast and looked for experiences bigger than our imaginations. We dug into each other and saw our reflections tenfold. We created a life bigger than ourselves. We laughed together and held each other through feelings.  It was better than being alone, hiding in corners pretending to disappear. The world could have us and we could have the world too. Everything was fine. All we wanted was to stay alive and we could. 

2014

In the new year so far I did the following things:

1. Played beer pong (very poorly)

2. Got drunk 

3. Passed my driving test on the first try

4. Got promoted at my day job 

5. Fell ill

I think I'm kind of done for the year. Or rather I can't see how things could get much better from here. 

In 2013 I did the following things:

• Spent a lot of time in driving class with Mr Yeow who frequently tells me I am "cartoon" "cowgirl" "hero" "smart" "careless" "cute" "stupid" "sotong". I just spent 3.5 hours in the car today.
• Lasted at my day job for much longer than I've ever spent at a job, or expected to. Still falling in and out of love with it, but it treats me well so I cannot possibly complain 
• Made new friends, a lot of new friends. Good friends and bad friends. Some fell out along the way, but the good ones are always hanging around and it only gets better and better.
• Took a lot of flights alone. Went to London twice, cried my eyeballs out at the airport twice. Went to Hong Kong five times or something, hung around tiny apartments and all over Central with Xiu. It gets easier and easier. I pack my bag in the morning and I don't even think about it. But leaving always kicks me with a huge dread and the bite never goes away, I still don't know what it is. The only time I flew with people this year was Bangkok most recently, and Hong Kong before that. Other than that it's just been me and my face masks. It really makes a huge difference traveling with people.
• Saw my grandmother pass away. It was hard seeing her go.
• Listened to an inordinate amount of Bob Dylan, discovered a fierce new love for Vampire Weekend, went to a few festivals where I realised that it's impossible to pick up new music the way I used to
• Drank a lot of beer and wine
• Learned new card games
• Picked up a breakfast habit with my dad, three times a week at either Amoy/Maxwell/Hong Lim 
• Slept less and less and less, with the appropriate dark eyes and eyebags to show for it. 
• Took a lot of taxis, and antihistamines.
• Sank deeper and deeper into the ongoing black hole of a relationship that I am in, with no end in sight... this is s a good thing of course.
• Wrote less and less in my diary, which is bad
• Watched a lot of movies in cinemas, which is immensely enjoyable. Read less books and watched less shit on my laptop, aside from The Sopranos (still haven't started on Season 6)
• Kept the same weight, lost some weight of my face, but mostly I feel like the same person
• Took care of my terrapin through a bad sickness where I had to inject him with vitamins and happily he is now 1.5 years old and very healthy. 
• Watched less movies than ever because I was saving them for watching with people who weren't around a lot... 
• Felt a bit more certain of some things about myself, a lot of questions were brought up this year and largely answered. There will always be some room for interpretation and the idea of the self is a very gray, loose one but I am always working towards continuity and unity and the way to do that is keep focused on the converging and not diverging elements in my life. Of course though there will be ruptures at some point, as there are every day.