Friday, May 20, 2016

present tense

The answer was "no", and for some reason it made her feel like weeping. The reason she felt that way was not so much because immediately, the answer could be construed as betrayal, of the person he was supposed to mean to her. But rather she felt like weeping because "no" revealed something else to her. Of the failure on her part as well as his. The failure to remain as much as possible, the person that they would have spent their lives together being. The person he would have grown with, rather than apart from. It was too late, anyway. They were now very separate. And neither felt a strong urge to do anything about it simply because there was nothing to do about it. Time had passed and confirmed this.

She was just lying in bed and these were the thoughts that crossed her mind as she looked up into the ceiling with perfectly dry eyes.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Staying in to listen to Radiohead's new album

“为天地立心, 为生民立道, 为去圣继绝学, 为万世开太平 ” - 张载

“To direct one’s heart towards Heaven and Earth, to establish the Way for people, to restore the teachings of past sages, and to build a peaceful world for all future generations.” - Zhang Zai


We were standing at the edge of the carpark looking into the balconies of Golden Mile Complex. We were talking about something else but I was thinking about this. The most important thing I learned recently is that life just goes on and on. Every moment is equally continuous or discrete from the past as the one earlier. Or rather: nothing is safe from the past, nothing is sacred. Wounds heal but still existed, that's true even after the scars disappear. Understanding is so important. Objective truth cannot be empirically accessed. But what about mathematical and logical arguments? If you don't know what you know is true then how do you understand yourself? Much less another person. Some things are too bleak to discuss.

It's been so long since I had a long conversation with someone (x excluded). It was like climbing a step ladder and reaching for a box that's now covered it dust. After I wiped the dust off the lid and opened it, I had to close it very quickly because the box was full of maggots.


There are things I was born to do and it's very clear to me now. Even if it's a small thing, there's a good reason and it was an important choice. I'm only my mother's daughter after all.