Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Soft places

It's the things I can't explain that have always kept me me going on and on, like those moments when I lose self-consciousness and feel more like an animal than anything else. Explanations are boring, explanations are death, sweeping the crumbs off a table at the end of a meal. You make a home in another person. You look for shoulders to wrap your arms around, a curve of a neck to bury your face into. For every question ever asked there is one answer who is lying there in the morning when you wake up, opening his sleepy eyes. Conversation muddled with sleep deprivation feels like a long embrace that is frequently interrupted but never ending.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Friday, October 21, 2016


I went away for a week to the west coast of the U.S.A.

D flew over from the east coast to meet me. We met at the San Francisco airport. We both imagined I'd be running up to him but I didn't. I just smiled at him like a fool, the way I do.

We spent a night at X's place then all of us went to spend the weekend in a cabin near Lake Tahoe, having meals in the house and being cosy.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016


I haven't used the perfume you gave me because I was sick over the weekend and I didn't want to associate the smell with bad feelings. 

You don't have the slightest clue

About what

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Conversations in bed

It's not about the sleep deprivation, it's about the fucking feelings, man. Those stupid things creep up on you and when you turn around, they're gone. And then you just wonder if they were there at all.

It seems so important now
But you will get over
And when you get over
When you get older
Then you will remember
Why it was so important then

Now it's just another mini movie in your head. You'll put it on sometimes before you go to bed.

I don't know why I like to rhyme
It's just a bloody waste of time

Friday, June 3, 2016


What was it like? At one point it seemed like all we wanted to do was dive headfirst into somebody else's so that we could get our feet caught in the muddy soil. It felt good sinking into the cool mud, then. It was slow but it was also very quick. Measuring time is one thing, feeling it is another. I poured the rest of the wine into the sink. People take up cigarette smoking because it gives you something to do while you wait, or a reason to delay. We don't have to go back inside so soon. I'm just heading out for a little bit. 

Friday, May 20, 2016

present tense

The answer was "no", and for some reason it made her feel like weeping. The reason she felt that way was not so much because immediately, the answer could be construed as betrayal, of the person he was supposed to mean to her. But rather she felt like weeping because "no" revealed something else to her. Of the failure on her part as well as his. The failure to remain as much as possible, the person that they would have spent their lives together being. The person he would have grown with, rather than apart from. It was too late, anyway. They were now very separate. And neither felt a strong urge to do anything about it simply because there was nothing to do about it. Time had passed and confirmed this.

She was just lying in bed and these were the thoughts that crossed her mind as she looked up into the ceiling with perfectly dry eyes.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Staying in to listen to Radiohead's new album

“为天地立心, 为生民立道, 为去圣继绝学, 为万世开太平 ” - 张载

“To direct one’s heart towards Heaven and Earth, to establish the Way for people, to restore the teachings of past sages, and to build a peaceful world for all future generations.” - Zhang Zai


We were standing at the edge of the carpark looking into the balconies of Golden Mile Complex. We were talking about something else but I was thinking about this. The most important thing I learned recently is that life just goes on and on. Every moment is equally continuous or discrete from the past as the one earlier. Or rather: nothing is safe from the past, nothing is sacred. Wounds heal but still existed, that's true even after the scars disappear. Understanding is so important. Objective truth cannot be empirically accessed. But what about mathematical and logical arguments? If you don't know what you know is true then how do you understand yourself? Much less another person. Some things are too bleak to discuss.

It's been so long since I had a long conversation with someone (x excluded). It was like climbing a step ladder and reaching for a box that's now covered it dust. After I wiped the dust off the lid and opened it, I had to close it very quickly because the box was full of maggots.


There are things I was born to do and it's very clear to me now. Even if it's a small thing, there's a good reason and it was an important choice. I'm only my mother's daughter after all.

Monday, April 25, 2016

April Ends

All the long conversations with X feel like marking time, drawing lines in the sand and sitting on the beach watching the tide wash them away. Sometimes we hustle and run around and do stupid things and sometimes we just sit around festering in limbo and intertia like pickles in a pickle jar. Getting crunchy.

Saturday, April 23, 2016


Everything is better when x is around. If anybody can understand who I am in the world there is really only her. 

The trip was very good. Slept. Drank milk. Italian restaurants. Hung out with A and family at the most beautiful wedding weekend. Drove around Los Angeles. Ate a block of cheese with Xiu on the plane. Read 2666 and was sorry when I finished it. 

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Hot day

We took an afternoon nap and walked to the beach.

I'm just me, you know that, right? 

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

San Francisco 2016

Coming to the U.S. to see X is really a no brainer in the sense that I don't need my brain when I'm with her. The itinerary is always super simple. We wake up and wake the other person up and then we throw something on top of our pajamas so that we can go outside to find something warm to eat and or drink. After we eat we walk to the store and buy a few things. We go home and change into proper clothing and laze around. We go to a museum or a pizza store or a thrift store. We might meet up with a friend. When we get tired we go sit down in a cafe. We look at little children. We wait for each other outside the restrooms. On the sidewalks and in various app-hired cars we talk and talk and talk and talk about our parents and big sister and the past week and the last three months. We go through all the thoughts that have crossed our minds in the time apart as if we have not also been continuously texting each other the past three months. "Those are brain farts, it's not counted", said X this afternoon. We sit on the carpet eating Doritos Cool Ranch and chocolate chip cookies. We talk some more and we disagree and then we talk some more and change our minds. We turn on the lights when it gets dark. I talk about all the anxieties in my head all the time. X says let's make a list then we can do something about them one by one. 

Sensitive skin
Losing things 
Inflamed gums 
Weight gain

At dinner I tell X and A that I'm terrified of something terrible happening at work while I'm away and it being all my fault. Everybody shouting "AAAAGH Y, that stupid bitch!" A laughs and assures me that everything will be exactly the same when I go back and nothing disastrous is going to happen. Later I get into bed thinking well, even if it does, it's not like I can do anything about it. 

Monday, March 28, 2016


Is this it is this all there is is this the end or is this the end of the slow ride the slow ride to the top to the top of the rollercoaster rails just before just before the drop the drop drop

Friday, March 25, 2016


Things have been violent. Driving makes me feel sane because it's the only time I know what I'm doing. Having something to focus on in the moment is the best distraction there can be. I like things to change and now they have, but the feeling of inertia doesn't go away. Everything feels like going backwards. 

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Long Beach

Time passes and without realizing it there were some moments in there that you will think about over and over again. You'll talk about it years later so that somebody can better understand what your life has been like, what the story is all about. Most of it is really unconscious, you just talk about what's on your mind wherever the conversation goes. You're making the conversation as much as it's making you. It exists as much as you do. Or rather you only exist as much as these things do.

Spent a lot of time with Mummy this week / weekend and it was really nice. Also spent a lot of time with JY and H too. I don't really know what my life is about these days but I've been pretty entertained.

Sunday, February 28, 2016


Something is happening. It's hard to get to sleep these days. Going to work because that's the only time I'm not thinking about the thing I'm trying not to think about. To a limited extent of course. You know me, I run on obsession and or habit. 

I spent a lot of time with the H brothers this week and I am really so grateful that there are these people in my life I can be total shit around. Right now everything is in shambles. Tomorrow I will make a list of all the things I need to do to un fuck my life. It'll get better. It can't really get any worse. 

In the mood

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Post valentines

A bit longer and you start to think that you've never been in love before. That it was always about the concept rather than the person. That's not how it should have been. Making boys into superhero characters in your head and in your long handwritten letters. Breaking them down and making them weep for themselves, having to live in this box of your expectations. Even the ones who truly tried had to extricate themselves at some point. And you didn't consider any of this, all you could do was to cry on the phone. The notion of love in your mind was informed by old Disney cartoons and Hollywood movies. Prince Charming kisses Snow White. All she did was lie there. Happily ever afters. Why does real life have to be so imperfect and difficult? Why am I so imperfect and difficult? 

This treatment is not very interesting to anybody but thankfully you've found ways to talk these catastrophic failures into funny little anecdotes to share at the dinner table. There's no point taking yourself so seriously. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016


You might have thought about it once or twice in your life, just barely. Somebody mentions it in a throwaway comment and then you can't stop thinking about it for the next three days. 

The older I get. The harder it is to distinguish between what I remember and what I imagine. The feelings are about the same. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Supposedly moving out this week

Books can be such treacherous things they trap you and pull you away from reality. When it's over you're left hungry and alone in an unmade bed, too lazy to get up to open the windows, blearily shoving away the food wrappers and cigarette ash to the side away before you finally close your eyes to rest.

I might as well have a drug problem for all these fantasy land kind of thoughts and my deep incompetence at managing practical affairs. 

Anyway I'm just exaggerating. I read too quickly to really develop severe problems from the habit. 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Friday, January 1, 2016