Thursday, October 30, 2014


There was a time when all I listened to was this song but I can't remember when exactly that was anymore

Spending a lot of time with my dad these days. On Monday I got home early from work. He was watching TV and I sat down on the other sofa and started reading the IKEA catalog. He asked, what do you want to eat for dinner? And I said I wanna go to IKEA! So we drove out and had dinner at the market near IKEA and then went to buy a few little things for the house. After that we came home and lugged everything upstairs. We spent another hour sitting on the floor building up the little bench I bought for my bedroom. The whole time I was telling him about my different colleagues and friends and work and places we should go visit as a family together. 

Feeling like I'm making things better around the house and taking care of my parents is probably what makes me happiest these days. It's really all I need.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Red Snapper

I think what I'm really stuck in is the idea that if I feel very strongly about something, then I have to do it. That conviction makes something make sense. But it's so obvious that it doesn't. At the same time nothing else really makes anything make sense. It's like how justified true belief doesn't necessarily work all the time. It's just all useful tips and tricks for getting on with life. You build up all this crap around you and really it's all just to keep you barely alive.

And for what?

Sunday, October 26, 2014


Grow up

What a lot of the older girls tell me is that yeah, there's always going to be somebody that you really really really loved. But he's not going to be the one you married.


Yeah. It'll be sad, but that's how it is.

That's fucking awful. That's the most depressing thing I ever heard.

Chill, it's not that bad. It just means there'll be "the one who got away" and then the one you married, father of your children, whatever. And you'll probably still have a happy marriage and a happy family.

But it won't make any sense right? If there's someone else out there you really loved and you're not with that person?

I don't know. I guess I wouldn't really care. It'll be one of those things you just gotta let go of.


Not love altogether, just that whatever... great big love thing. Maybe it's not even love at all. It could be just like, infatuation and shit.

Then why wouldn't you feel that way about the person you're with? The happy marriage happy family guy?

Because you can't feel that way all the time I guess. You can feel that way about somebody and then remember it after it goes away. And then there's your husband or wife or whoever, and you can't be like oh my god madly in love all the time right? It'll be insane and dysfunctional and tiring. You'll love that person all the time, still, but it'll be a different sort of love. A quiet peaceful kind of love instead of the oh my god i love you kind of feeling.

Okay... I guess. But can't you love the same person both ways? The madly in love way and the quiet thanks for taking care of me way?

I don't think so. There's an element of fantasy involved with feelings of infatuation, right, and that makes it harder to accept the person and the relationship as they really are. And if you can't get over the feeling, you'll never get anywhere real with him. It'll just be crazy expectations and disappointment all the time and you'll both suffer for it. You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah I do. But it's really stupid.


But it's even more stupid to be unable to get over that shit though, if what you're saying is true. If it's a fantasy then you should have the sense to get over that shit and just focus on your family and your husband and the father of your children. You wouldn't have any regrets about that other thing.

It's hard to not have regrets about the other thing though. If it was taken away from you, you'd regret it too.

What if you walk away yourself?

If you walked away yourself? I guess you'd have less to feel sore about, but wouldn't you feel regret there too? I know I would.

I guess I would.


But fuck that. I don't want to have regrets.

And that's why you don't want to give up?


Well, good luck with that then.


Hey. I'm still thinking about what we talked about just now. I don't think I have to end up like that. I don't think anybody has to.

What? Like what?

Like living with regrets. I can't accept something like that.

God, you are really mental. So what are you thinking then?

I'm thinking that there's really a line to draw between infatuation and love. And I'm thinking that everybody who's thinking about "the one who got away" really needs to wake up and throw that shit out of the window. If you love someone you don't nurse regrets about people in the past. It's a distraction, it's a coping mechanism for people who settled for something instead of chasing down and getting what they really wanted.

Dude that is really extreme. Don't say stuff like that.

Why not?

Because everybody lives with their decisions and if this is how they are and how they cope with compromising then fine! You can't tell them all, like, fuck you for giving up and settling. Most people make rational and practical choices and usually, that's not the same thing you've got violent feelings for. And that's life. That's being realistic.

It sounds like giving up.

And you think giving up is a bad thing?

Yeah it is. You shouldn't give anything up. You should be choosing. If you have really strong feelings about something, and it also makes sense rationally and practically, then you don't give up anything, right?

But feelings aren't rational.

No! Why do people keep saying that? If something doesn't make sense, do you feel it?

Yeah, maybe. Like I look at this Burger King advertisement and I feel like I want to eat a burger. That's not rational.

Then do you actually want to eat a burger?

No... I just ate dinner.

Then what do you feel like exactly?

What do you mean?

Do you really feel like you want to eat a burger?

I guess on some level I do, but if you ask me if I want to eat a burger, I guess I don't.

Is that your final conclusion?

Yeah. I shouldn't anyway.

Dammit just answer the question.

No I don't want to eat a burger. What's your point?

I don't know. I guess feelings are confusing. I don't even feel like I want to talk about it anymore.

Let's just go back to what you were saying about giving up. You don't believe in giving up.

Yeah I don't.

Why not?

If you love somebody, you won't give up on them.

What if you have to?

Why would you have to?

You know what life is like, sometimes you just have to give up on the things you want. Some things just aren't meant to be.

Yeah, I know that.

You do?

Yeah, I'm not a child. You're right, people have to give things up all the time. Money, time, freedom, whatever.

Like giving up smoking. You know you have to, even if you don't feel like it at all.

Yeah, exactly. But you don't give up on everything, do you? Are there things you don't give up on?


Yeah, some things are too important to give up on, right? And knowing that makes it easier to give up the stuff that isn't so important, right?

Yeah I guess.

So yeah, isn't true love one of those things?

Maybe. But not for everyone, I think.

What about you?

I don't know. Do you know?

Yeah I do.


Fuck yeah it is! 

Saturday, October 25, 2014

If you love me dont leave me

Sunday, October 19, 2014


I cut my stomach open and all my guts spilled out. Everything that was inside suddenly came up to the surface. The blood was really gross and ugly and beautiful all at the same time, and it went everywhere it got stuck in between the bathroom tiles it got all over the nice white dry clean only bedsheets. Everything was fine just a few seconds before. You know it's always there, inside of you, you never really have to think about it and now you're looking at it. It's not like an alien substance. It's your blood, it's you. And it's fucking hard to clean up.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

And Nothing Is Ever As You Want It To Be

You lose your love for her and then 
It is her who is lost, 
And then it is both who are lost,
And nothing is ever as perfect as you want it to be.

In a very ordinary world
A most extraordinary pain mingles with the small routines,
The loss seems huge and yet
Nothing can be pinned down or fully explained.

You are afraid.
If you found the perfect love
It would scald your hands,
Rip the skin from your nerves,
Cause havoc with a computered heart.

You lose your love for her and then it is her who is lost.
You tried not to hurt and yet
Everything you touched became a wound.
You tried to mend what cannot be mended,
You tried, neither foolish nor clumsy,
To rescue what cannot be rescued.

You failed,
And now she is elsewhere
And her night and your night
Are both utterly drained.

How easy it would be
If love could be brought home like a lost kitten
Or gathered in like strawberries,
How lovely it would be;
But nothing is ever as perfect as you want it to be.


The stock crashed 93% in a day wiping out billions of dollars. On the phone with the analyst it became clearer and clearer that the company hadn't moved a significant number of units at all and now wasn't expected to anymore. Now it had 1.3 billion dollars in liabilities and net cash position of 85 million dollars.

"I know it all sounds pretty bad but what's the realistic downside we're looking at here?"

"Well, the stock could go to zero... the exchange has rules and regulations about the minimum price at which a stock can trade so... whether it continues trading will be up to that.

"So if we're looking at a price target of 75 cents, what's the upside scenario?"

"I... don't have an upside scenario." 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

James Murphy LCD Soundsystem

Were you surprised by how much ‘All My Friends’ resonated emotionally with people?
JM: After ‘Losing My Edge’, very little surprises me because that was the surprise of my life. Nothing will ever be strange again because the experience of doing ‘Losing My Edge’ and suddenly not being an invisible person was so immense. ‘All My Friends’ woke me up to something else. I didn’t realize what emotional impact melody has on people. I always think about lyrics and what they actually mean and then I realised the energy I respond to physically people respond to emotionally. ‘Transmission’ is my favourite Joy Division song because of the way it arcs and arcs and arcs and at the end he’s screaming the same thing. And all he’s saying is ‘Dance to the radio!’ and I just want to cry. I never really considered what the song is about – it’s just an object. I think about songs in terms of them just being objects and not things that are about something else.
Is that why you’ve never explained what ‘Someone Great’ is about?
JM: I just think it’s unnecessary because it’s personal. Songs are songs and to reduce them is to waste them. If I wanted to make something about something I would write an essay. But even within an essay you want there to be an objectness to it. It would be great to have an essay that has language that sonically is beautiful. I always hated poetry because I felt like it seemed like a waste of an opportunity. To hide that in prose seemed more interesting — to try to get away with that density of meaning without being like, ‘Hello! Density of meaning!’, which made me want to fucking die. [Hushed, pretentious voice] Because then/People would read them/In this voice/That was reserved/For poems/And I felt/That I should kill them/Today/Tomorrow. Whereas nobody will do a better job than ‘Drive to the forest in a Japanese car/The smell of rubber on concrete tar/Hindsight does me no good/Standing naked in the back of the woods/The cassette plays Poptones.’ It’s amazing! It’s perfect. Or ‘Loose’. Iggy could be yelling anything, John Lydon could be whispering anything, but the fact that there’s also all these dense things is kind of incredible.