Jingle bells

the holidays are my favourite time of year. For an attention seeking needy baby like myself, being bathed in love and attention for a consecutive number of days and receiving/giving presents is like !!! Kill me now, because I know everything will suck after this. 

I was looking forward to this weekend for so long. It's amazing not being disappointed. 

Obviously

Once you feel like you are invincible, like you can get anything in the world that you want, that's when you realise that the thing you really want is the one thing you cannot have and then you feel so upset. Upset at what though? Is it just that you want it BECAUSE you cannot have it? Because it makes you obsessed like nothing else? Or are you self sabotaging? Was your initial confidence the lie? Whatever it is, it keeps you wide open at night. You lie in your bed, face up, staring into the abyss. 

Being able to face up to my state of confusion is good in the sense that I don't feel so guilty wasting time anymore. It's not like I even know what else to do. 

December 2

I take back everything I said about there being little to do in the office. When one makes a sweeping generalization like that, one creates a golden opportunity for the mischievous prankster forces of universe to assert themselves. And they do, gleefully and masterfully. It is impressive and just as amusing, to you. You don't feel any less like the ultimate creator and narrator of your destiny, even if you are its greatest victim. 

Bug bites

I don't have any enemies
Wow are you really so nice?
Don't think so, do people usually have enemies
Maybe not
I find that most of the time
it's just me

Princess Kaguya

This weekend all the stuff I planned to do didn't really work out but many unexpectedly nice and intense things happened instead. These days I feel like crying quite often, but somehow I just don't. 

12.15pm

Girl walks through the crowded plaza. There are lots of people walking around, going for lunch, milling about. There's a cafe with black metal / glass doors at the corner of the building. She walks past the bakery display and sandwich line and opens the door. She sits down at the chair next to the window. A young man wearing sunglasses and black cap lifts his head up from his laptop. There's a cup of black coffee on the table that looks like it's gone cold. She picks up the cup and takes a sip. He watches, without taking off his sunglasses. 

Jalan Arnap

All these stupid, hopeless, shapeless, beautiful days have passed.

Who are you now

Amy

A car stops outside the house with a black gate, the passenger seat door opens and a girl walks out. She unlocks the gate, the front door, and walks upstairs to her room. She picks up a pack of cigarettes and walks back down the stairs. She opens the door. There's a thought in her head, but she sees that the car has gone.

Morning situations

I Curse the River of Time

"I was scared. Not of being dead, that I could not comprehend, to be nothing was impossible to grasp and therefore nothing really to be scared of, but the dying itself I could comprehend, the very instant when you know that now comes what you have always feared, and you suddenly realize that every chance of being the person you really wanted to be, is gone for ever, and the one you were, is the one those around you will remember."

June 1

There are things precious to me that have come and gone. There were times when something could have been done about it and times when nothing could be done. The familiar thoughts seem to take their time to leave my mind. But I'm never sure if they've even left at all. And then I wonder, when I think these half ghost thoughts, if their originals had even been there at all, all those years ago. 

Surprises

This weekend I loosened my grip a little. At the start I was nervous. On Saturday, some unexpected and nice things happened. And that brought on a massive wave of relief and happiness. I thought to myself that it was wonderful, feeling that life wasn't just me, all alone, obsessively holding on to all strings, trying to put on the best show ever. The forces of the universe were benevolent and could pick up the slack for me, if I needed it. What a comforting thought to hold, even if it doesn't last.

Dalston

Salad shop

"It was my first job out of university. I'm telling you, for those five years, I never felt the 'Monday blues' a single time. It was like playing computer games with my friends every day."

"We got to take home 10% of whatever we made. If you made enough money in the first hour of trading you'd just spend the rest of the day watching tv shows on your computer and talking cock with the other guys."

"My boss made a million dollars the year she turned 30. She was a very nice person. There were traders who disappeared after losing seventy grand or whatever. But she didn't make them pay her back or anything."

"In a good month we were taking home five figure sums. For a bunch of twenty something year olds that was quite something. But it was high risk, high reward. I had to take a pay cut for my next job."

"When algorithms were introduced things got a lot harder for us. It got a lot harder to make money and a lot easier to lose it. We could see it happening every day. People just left one by one. I thought I better do something else. So just applied around and this came up."

"The job now is okay. Pretty stable."

Memory Games

How did you know that he loved you?

I just remember that he did. That's how I knew then. That's how I know, now.

What if he didn't actually love you at all?

Then why would I remember that he did? 

- Remembering vs thinking 

- Believing / knowing

- Glitches in the matrix

- Creating a thought and holding on to it or creating new thoughts over and over

- Birthing belief

- Activating a thought in another human being 

4 more days

The days go by slowly but the weeks past in a blink. It's like floating on the sea, watching a great big wave coming towards me in slow motion. I already know that it's coming. I've already decided that it's only sensible to remain calm, while I still can. I've prepared myself as much as I can. I've played so many scenarios out in my head. I've started scheduling appointments for the end of next month. As much as I can know what's going to happen, I already do. And after all of that thinking and waiting for so long, I'm bored. The wave is still on its way. It wasn't so high when I first noticed it, but now it's towering above me, casting a shadow over everything around me. Still, it's going to take a while more to crash down on me. I've even gotten used to the shadow. Soon everything is going to fall down on me. And that won't be in slow motion anymore. I guess that's just how things change. Gradually, then suddenly.

Last week

When I walked in the sun and looked up at the flowers in the trees I noticed that I was smiling. I thought to myself - this is what true happiness feels like. A sunny day in springtime. Sitting on a train, next to the window, leaning my head on the cool glass. A pretty song in my head. Sidewalks covered in fallen petals. The words "hey sunshine". Heart cells, contracting and expanding. Tanks of transparent fishes in a room filled with the sound of water gurgling up and down plastic pipes. Pineapple flavored frozen yoghurt. Raising up my hands and crying out "yay!" and then nearly tripping over a crack in the pavement. 

Waking up

Springtime in the east coast

Life is beautiful. I'm very very happy. 

But sometimes there are strange scenes that crawl into my head at night. I wake up alone, slightly overwhelmed, and wonder: how could somebody so smart be so stupid?

On the road, jack kerouac

They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

Life is Beautiful

I love him and he has no idea. Which is a good thing. 

as good as being in love if not better

Leaving Los Feliz

Life is pretty great

Current mood

Down to the bottom

Then You Die

Pulled out my wisdom teeth

Day 2 of not eating solid food. It's not as easy as I expected. The bag of chips I didn't eat before the op "because I had no mood" is now taunting me. 

For dinner I poured my soup through a strainer and threw in ice cubes to cool it down until it was lukewarm, like fresh piss. After swallowing it in 30 seconds I spent the rest of the time jealously staring at my dad scooping steamed rice and meat into his mouth. 

If this keeps up I'm going to have a 6 pack next week... And that would be so disgusting. 

Of Course

Of course I was afraid. But that didn't change anything. It came and it went and now I know I will know that it will no longer haunt me. 

Why do I weep so

The summation of much pre-Socratic theology and philosophy can be stated as follows: The kosmos is not as it appears to be, and what it probably is, at its deepest level, is exactly that which the human being is at his deepest level—call it mind or soul, it is something unitary which lives and thinks, and only appears to be plural and material. Much of this view reaches us through the Logos doctrine regarding Christ. The Logos was both that which thought, and the thing which it thought: thinker and thought together. The universe, then, is thinker and thought, and since we are part of it, we as humans are, in the final analysis, thoughts of and thinkers of those thoughts.

http://deoxy.org/pkd_how2build.htm

Poms

Dreamt of a man who had two really fluffy Pomeranians that he was totally devoted to. Then one morning he woke up and they were missing from his bed. He was really distraught. It was then revealed to me that he was a CIA spy and had been wearing pheromones spray that came in a little gray tube. I held the tube in my hand and accidentally sprayed it on the man sitting next to me. Nothing really changed. I was still thinking about the CIA man having to choose between his career and his dogs. 

Sometimes

Sometimes he's terrible and sometimes he's not that bad

Sometimes it's mild anxiety and sometimes it's full blown dread. 

Sometimes I find myself asleep on the floor. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever love anybody more. 

Grace

I spent the evening with my two favourite cousins who are male and whose names start with the letter "J" and it was so nice.

Lonerism

Rain

There is an idea of a person, and then the world. The world exists, complete and independent of our consciousness of it. Our existence however is entirely dependent on, and defined by the world. It's a debt we are all born with and the gift of consciousness is to remind us of this debt. Maybe it's impossible to ever repay this debt but there will be those who try, and there will be those who give up.

==

How did we all become who we are, right now?

Experiences, I suppose.

You don't think there's things you are just born with?

I suppose the things you are born with can determine the experiences you have after you are born, so in that sense, experiences are still more important.

Do you believe in free will?

No. I believe that the human will is capable of and has achieved a great many things, but total freedom doesn't exist.

But should people have total freedom?

It's not a question of should or should not. We can do many things that make us happy. But freedom is an abstract concept. It's just one of those things that was not given to us.

==

The most important experience a person can have is fear.

==

The most natural and obvious fact remains: I can give up on anything except myself.

2015