Recent thoughts Jun-14

1. Having no time is an excuse because time is a resource and being able to make time and manage your time is about efficiency and productivity and resourceful. 

2. It's Lawrence's world, and we're all just living in it. 

3. I really like this pink dress. I think I'm going to buy it in black as well. 

4. We went to the stadium. The audience sat in their chairs as the music started. I still don't know how the sound brought me close to tears. It wasn't even that good. 

5. All my life I thought one day a great big wave would pick me up and take me away with it. The closest experience I've had so far is being part of a Kallang Wave. I wonder if that's what I wanted all along. 

《青玉案·元夕》

东风夜放花千树，
更吹落、
星如雨。
宝马雕车香满路。
风箫声动，
玉壶光转，
一夜鱼龙舞。
蛾儿雪柳黄金缕，
笑语盈盈暗香去。
众里寻他千百度；
蓦然回首，
那人却在
灯火阑珊处。

-辛弃疾

Horizon Green

I looked around and everything was greyed out. 

The best things appear without you realising and are still there when you do. 

This week I told someone that he's perfect

Do you feel overwhelmed when good things happen to you?

Yeah, I still feel that way a lot. 

Why do you feel weird? Isn't this what you always wanted?

Maybe I just wanted these things because I wanted to get what I want, and I didn't care about the thing at all.

So do you know what you want now?

Not really. It always changes, but I'm figuring it out. It's like some sort of sick process. If I want something I go and get it and then when I get it I can then see if I wanted it at all to begin with.

That's perverse. That sounds tiring and a bit selfish.

Yeah you're right. It is tiring. And I am a bit selfish. So what?

Pick and choose

I am incredibly sad right now / I am incredibly happy right now

Everything is just fucked up / Everything is just great 

The future looks like shit / The future looks beautiful 

It's getting worse / It's just getting better 

There's no hope / There's so much hope 

I will never have anything I want / I will have everything I ever wanted 

Life is terrible / Life is amazing 

Not Fade Away

21 May

It was an early evening and the sky was turning dark.

We got off the bus and walked side by side towards his house. He said, "Actually dying doesn't seem so bad. I mean, life, all this shit - it's so fucking tiring man."

"Hmm ya. Some dude said something like that, like... 'Dying is easy, it's this day to day living that wears you out.'*" I said, holding his hand. 

"Well that's a very smart guy who said that. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it. Can't see the point of it all."

"Don't say that it's not true."

We continued walking. He started talking about something else. I don't remember what it was. What I remember is that but in my heart then I knew there was a point. Life is okay, there's something to live for. I can't name it, but I can feel its warm glow inside of me, like street lights in the night. 

* “Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to dayliving that wears you out.” ― Anton Chekhov. 

Bloody headlights

I dreamt I was driving a car on a dark road and all I could see was a pool of light and the white stripes on the road. The car was full of people and voices I couldn't see either. I was driving down a straight road and going very fast and at some point I thought I might have hit something but the sound left as quickly as it came. I said should I stop?? And a voice told me it's nothing, carry on, and as I drove on I realised that the white stripes of the road had bloody streaks across them, but that's not possible, unless the bloody streaks were on my windshield instead. 

Dream: 06-May-14

The other day I dreamt of a grey sky and a building submerged in the water, and I was walking around the side of it following behind M and both of us were holding on to the side of the building trying to keep as close as possible, because we were walking along the top line of these stone steps that led into the water. There were enormous black and silver fishes in the water, swimming near the surface and coming very near me and I had to step carefully so that I wouldn't get my shoes too wet or step on the fishes instead. They looked like the fishes Hee and I saw when we were at the river safari last week.

After that we were walking along a path in a small forest, which opened out into a sunny clearing where there were restaurants and we sat down for brunch.

He started talking about how shit his life was, like all the difficult things and I was telling him that surely it's not so bad. We were waiting for somebody to turn up, and like in dreams, that person could have been either of two people, even though the second person I remembered would have been completely out of point.

I woke up and the main thing I remembered was saying "but you have a gorgeous wife". The rest of the day I kept thinking about the grey sky and the big fish that were swimming around too close. 

MND

Sometimes I can't help it, the colours bleed out of the borderlines and I look like I'm out of control.

If I could keep cool all the time I would, and would act like it, but it's always a matter of choice, a subjective choice, and if I don't see that I have to be I just wouldn't choose to be.

If I had to suffer all the misery in the world just so I could turn my head and see you looking at me and smiling I think I can make myself ok with that

At the end of the day if you're happy I'm happy