This Morning

Once I had a love and it was a gas

Soon turned out had a heart of glass 

Blue

Every day there is a time where the sky is the same colour as the sea and the horizon becomes invisible. Standing on the other side of these glass walls you can imagine the ships floating by are floating not on water but in the sky. 

Time

Every day I look at you I know I love you more and more and it's filling up my body and tingling in the ends of my fingers and toes. 

Horses

We wanted to be pure and beautiful. We sang and we danced, and we listened to music with the volume turned all the way up. We drove our cars fast and looked for experiences bigger than our imaginations. We dug into each other and saw our reflections tenfold. We created a life bigger than ourselves. We laughed together and held each other through feelings.  It was better than being alone, hiding in corners pretending to disappear. The world could have us and we could have the world too. Everything was fine. All we wanted was to stay alive and we could. 

2014

In the new year so far I did the following things:

1. Played beer pong (very poorly)

2. Got drunk 

3. Passed my driving test on the first try

4. Got promoted at my day job 

5. Fell ill

I think I'm kind of done for the year. Or rather I can't see how things could get much better from here. 

In 2013 I did the following things:

• Spent a lot of time in driving class with Mr Yeow who frequently tells me I am "cartoon" "cowgirl" "hero" "smart" "careless" "cute" "stupid" "sotong". I just spent 3.5 hours in the car today.
• Lasted at my day job for much longer than I've ever spent at a job, or expected to. Still falling in and out of love with it, but it treats me well so I cannot possibly complain 
• Made new friends, a lot of new friends. Good friends and bad friends. Some fell out along the way, but the good ones are always hanging around and it only gets better and better.
• Took a lot of flights alone. Went to London twice, cried my eyeballs out at the airport twice. Went to Hong Kong five times or something, hung around tiny apartments and all over Central with Xiu. It gets easier and easier. I pack my bag in the morning and I don't even think about it. But leaving always kicks me with a huge dread and the bite never goes away, I still don't know what it is. The only time I flew with people this year was Bangkok most recently, and Hong Kong before that. Other than that it's just been me and my face masks. It really makes a huge difference traveling with people.
• Saw my grandmother pass away. It was hard seeing her go.
• Listened to an inordinate amount of Bob Dylan, discovered a fierce new love for Vampire Weekend, went to a few festivals where I realised that it's impossible to pick up new music the way I used to
• Drank a lot of beer and wine
• Learned new card games
• Picked up a breakfast habit with my dad, three times a week at either Amoy/Maxwell/Hong Lim 
• Slept less and less and less, with the appropriate dark eyes and eyebags to show for it. 
• Took a lot of taxis, and antihistamines.
• Sank deeper and deeper into the ongoing black hole of a relationship that I am in, with no end in sight... this is s a good thing of course.
• Wrote less and less in my diary, which is bad
• Watched a lot of movies in cinemas, which is immensely enjoyable. Read less books and watched less shit on my laptop, aside from The Sopranos (still haven't started on Season 6)
• Kept the same weight, lost some weight of my face, but mostly I feel like the same person
• Took care of my terrapin through a bad sickness where I had to inject him with vitamins and happily he is now 1.5 years old and very healthy. 
• Watched less movies than ever because I was saving them for watching with people who weren't around a lot... 
• Felt a bit more certain of some things about myself, a lot of questions were brought up this year and largely answered. There will always be some room for interpretation and the idea of the self is a very gray, loose one but I am always working towards continuity and unity and the way to do that is keep focused on the converging and not diverging elements in my life. Of course though there will be ruptures at some point, as there are every day.

Lame Shit

It was a Wednesday night in February. He had come over to smoke a  cigarette, late at night, for the fourth time in two weeks. After that they went upstairs to her bedroom to talk, him sitting on the floor again while she sat in bed. 

After 3am she asked him what was going on and he asked if he could have some soup. She got out of bed and made him a bowl of soup, but nothing happened and they both went for class the next morning and she waited for him outside on the sidewalk wearing a white furry sweater and a blue pencil skirt. 

At his place they lay on his bed, not touching and barely talking. He lay opaque on the other side and didn't look at her. She thought all right I'm going to leave. Nothing's going to happen like this. 

Derivatives

Most recently I have been thinking a lot about derivatives and applying the basic concept to ideas in my head about perception and reality. There is what is, and what is perceived which also is. The state of being belongs to an infinite of things. It is infinite and it is inifity. Zero doesn't exist. Nothing can be derived from zero except itself. I am tempted to think there is one thing which all things are derived from but that sounds religious, and I don't know what that could possibly be. It should be zero, but the relationship doesn't make sense. It is something related, but nothing can be directly related to nothing. 

I know derivatives to measure how one variable changes in relation to a change in another variable. The derivative of a constant number is zero because it doesn't change. If all things have to be derived from one thing, or is the one thing, then it means that matter and perceptions and people and thoughts are also derivatives and also only a measure of how one thing changes relative to another. I look at your arm and the experience is not relative to one thing, it is relative to time, light, space, and hundreds or thousands of variables at work. Even dimensions are infinite to discover as I look at your arm. But for common use it seems 3 and a few more are sufficient. Not all of them as obvious as what we know. 

Nothing exists absolutely. Even the most material or abstract things. Maybe only zero. 

Actually the only real use I find for this thought right now is that it's changed the way I imagine relationships and ideas visually in my head. It used to be a disconnected cloud but now I see points and derivative curves and a big big big round sphere of infinity. 

More importantly I guess if everything is derived from another then it becomes even clearer that nothing exists independently. Nothing can stand on it's own strength. And everything does and should matter to anything. 

"Do you feel like your life is one thing that's happening continuously or more like whatever flood of crap that flies in your face every day when you wake up?"

The idea of life being a united, singular and ongoing event isn't really working out for me. In the city I feel like things keep happening and taking me along with them, especially compulsions to escape what is my real life that are growing stronger and stronger. Even my legitimate responsibilities are also a kind of diversion, or evasion from something which would supposedly be more real. It creates a real confusion where I can't tell what is important and what isn't anymore. And it seems to be getting worse as the lines of reality blur in my experiences and I don't know what is and isn't, anyway. 

Shek O

We took a taxi from our hotel to the beach. We got out a bit seasick from the mountain roads. When we walked onto the sandy beach it was cloudless sunny and the sea glittered.We laid out a straw mat and lay on our tummies side by side.  The sun was bright and our jeans got hot. I looked at you and everything was great.