Plot is character revealed by action

Whatever you do 

live simply

keep moving

don't get bored

don't get lazy 

don't get stuck

The time passed

Everything feels gratuitous these days. Emotion is weak. Thinking is meaningless. How things look doesn't make me feel much.

The only things that matter is doing, and knowing, but only insofar as it facilitates purposeful action. I am so thankful for breakfasts with my dad and the responsibilities that get me out of bed every morning. I know I am doing work and I am learning. What else could a person ask for? It's hard to explain what I like about my life now, but I feel much more like a human being now and it sustains me. 

PORTO////PARIS

D-MAN

AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A G THANG

 

So that's that. See you soon xo

As we enter October

When things are bad then it seems pretty sensible to look for volatility instead.. Bad is bad but is life about absolutes or relatives? There's always lower levels to buy in and higher levels to sell out and even if we're on a bumpy road down south as long as the new highs are higher than the old lows.. then take advantage of what you can right? 

Feels like life is bottoming out but I like the feeling of hitting the floor because once things move it'll only be upwards. This kind of explains everything why I am the way I don't see myself moving in a single trajectory upwards because no force is going to move things up without something worse to push off from. The only fear is that you get sucker punched because you can't handle the lows but then you could never know how big the bounce is from that, right? That's what trampoline was all about I guess.. you can't get any height unless you sink in deep... the push off is easy, all just instinct + natural forces + the trampoline itself. Some people kick off harder than others and it's obvious, but the best gymnasts never look like they put in any force and that is the beautiful thing about the sport. It should always look that natural and graceful like a dance in freefall 

Sundays

So now I am starting over again in the preliminary stages of what adult life is supposed to be. I am slowly and carefully building up an army of pencil skirts, modest blouses and covered shoes. Waking up at 6am to an iPhone alarm and making a regular commute is my life now and I think I am growing again. Things are not easy but I'm very happy that I am where people expect bigger and better from me and I have a chance to prove that they are not wrong.

I WILL BE GOOD

Is it normal to be so angry to lie in bed demolishing all the weak arguments I keep hearing, the same old opinions that are so unbased and so unnecessary. The same themes keep coming up in my head over and over again. Unhappy people are the most selfish. Happiness is severely underrated so much so I have begun to associate unhappiness with stupidity. In one on one conversation I am empathic and I say things gently but when I don't want to be an enabler. The difficult talks always happen in my head. It's probably really unhealthy internalizing this stuff. 

I've Got The Time

Go 2 Hell Singtel

You never activate my phone services when my dad calls in advance to have it done

Your 24 hour call centre people keep picking up my calls and telling me in their comforting and reliable Singlish that it'll be done as soon as possible, I should try to reboot my system in a few hours

Your phone plan allows me to make calls and texts but I can't get any of my Blackberry services. The biggest kicker is that Whatsapp works

I called you when I was on the street. When I was in a cafe waiting for my lunch.

You told me this morning that my BB services will be up by afternoon. I waited to do it in the evening and for all my patience and good faith... I got no new emails. No BBMs either.

And I was even thinking about getting an iPhone contract with you.

But now

 

I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!!!!11

Any and Every Ever

Going back to Singapore in about six days and midway through packing hell. Things I have learnt about packing after 3 years of moving and travelling with big/medium/small suitcases for long/short trips:

1. Cling wrap is mankind's greatest invention. It is sterile and airtight and stretchy and if you wrap it tightly around anything it compresses it like.. well vacuum packs, but I haven't got a vacuum sealing machine on hand. I bought a 45p roll from Tesco and have been using it to wrap up my shoes and bulky clothes. It just makes so much sense when you're packing crap loads of random stuff together..

2. Packing clothes into individual canvas totes, for organization purposes and also so that you can pack all that shit up more tightly without cling-wrapping everything. That would take a lot of time and also how would you be able to find specific things like a mid length black pencil skirt when everything looks black and cling-wrapped shiny?? So far packed work clothes into one bag, summer casual stuff in another, and winter stuff in another one. And one for books and scarves. It's much easier to unpack when everything's already in bags and not a massive pile. When floor space is scarce it's tough living out of a suitcase.

3. Put heavy stuff at the bottom of the suitcase so that the bag doesn't topple over easily. I don't know if other people have this problem but I always do.. all these imbalanced suitcases falling over squashing toes and in the worst case, babies.

Maybe these things are totally obvious but this is my game plan right now.. Mostly worried about unpacking because when I get back it's straight to the hairdresser's and setting up my phone plan, and then getting into battle mode for my first day of business. And of course as many meals in between as possible. 

AAAA

In this moment and every single one past a world of potentialities has been brought into realization and into obliteration. As time passes the balance shifts because time necessitates some action, might even be an action in itself. Of some agent or force. So any kind of action no matter how intangible or invisible   is a realization of something that is no longer a potential. We move from 0% realization and 100% potential towards 0% potential and 100% realization. When everything is realized and there is no more potential I suppose we can only be dead.

Carnage

Just got back from the most epic and fun trip of my life thus far so it is true that things can and do always get better :)

Sitting in my room alone packing up my things in slow motion sessions and trying not to panic about the massive amount of life clutter I have amassed in the last three years. I should try to sell or donate most of my things but who would want them now? I have a hoarder complex so this is all not going down well at all. Time to call in the big guns

Themes

Swallowfield

With the morbidly late sunsets these days it feels like the days are bleeding into the nights which bleed again into the day. The lines between one day and the next are so blurry, the bank holidays this weekend and all the late nights aren't helping either.

Have had extremely happy days for the past week or so. Went to Antwerp on a whim, visited Sam in Durham and came back to hang out with my best friends in London. For the last three years I have relied so heavily on these people for their comfort and company. I love that my best friendships are easy and kind and honest. Distance is easy because closeness inevitably leads to friction. I think it might be a matter of whether people are willing to endure that temporary awkwardness for the long term gains. After waking up to a frigid morning we brought lunch to the boys' flat in Regent's Park and spent the afternoon playing mahjong and talking about things like, dreams, fears, ambitions, hopes. What we think and what we don't think. We're all very different people, it's quite obvious, but whatever made us still led us together. It is a bit miraculous maybe.

I am so grateful that this sort of happiness is present in my life,I must not waste it or forget it. There are so many things to love in this world, how could anybody bear to, or dare to turn their backs on them? Or even worse, to not see them at all? 

That is the only thing which is truly and really sad.

Antwerp

Just got back from a two day trip to Antwerp which was planned and booked about four hours before departure, while on the way to Tesco for groceries. This kind of freedom is so precious when it's ending. When I got home this morning I slept, got my hair cut, ran some errands. Booked train tickets and sent some emails. I would like to think that I am 100% happy about about moving on from university, because I feel like I am moving forward another step in my process of self-realization. But I could be hugely wrong about that.

The trip was very pleasant. Antwerp is beautiful and perfect, in a small and old way. I liked it a lot. Photos soon

In Pitch Dark I Go Walking In Your Landscape

It's weird walking around campus knowing that it has all ended. I don't know if I'm happier or sadder about it. Went for Slade's grad show yesterday evening great way to spend a Friday evening.

It feels like a lot of small worries are piling up in my head and preventing me from feeling intensely about anything. Or it could be just the dreams. But talking it out always helps especially the caffeine light-headedness induced type of talking. We were talking about how commitments make a person, and so it makes good sense for us to make certain commitments in our lives but in the end, the only commitments that count for anything and make you anything are only those that you didn't choose. Consciousness is all fog and mirrors.

I'm really going to miss my friends so much