Surprises

This weekend I loosened my grip a little. At the start I was nervous. On Saturday, some unexpected and nice things happened. And that brought on a massive wave of relief and happiness. I thought to myself that it was wonderful, feeling that life wasn't just me, all alone, obsessively holding on to all strings, trying to put on the best show ever. The forces of the universe were benevolent and could pick up the slack for me, if I needed it. What a comforting thought to hold, even if it doesn't last.

Dalston

Salad shop

"It was my first job out of university. I'm telling you, for those five years, I never felt the 'Monday blues' a single time. It was like playing computer games with my friends every day."

"We got to take home 10% of whatever we made. If you made enough money in the first hour of trading you'd just spend the rest of the day watching tv shows on your computer and talking cock with the other guys."

"My boss made a million dollars the year she turned 30. She was a very nice person. There were traders who disappeared after losing seventy grand or whatever. But she didn't make them pay her back or anything."

"In a good month we were taking home five figure sums. For a bunch of twenty something year olds that was quite something. But it was high risk, high reward. I had to take a pay cut for my next job."

"When algorithms were introduced things got a lot harder for us. It got a lot harder to make money and a lot easier to lose it. We could see it happening every day. People just left one by one. I thought I better do something else. So just applied around and this came up."

"The job now is okay. Pretty stable."

Memory Games

How did you know that he loved you?

I just remember that he did. That's how I knew then. That's how I know, now.

What if he didn't actually love you at all?

Then why would I remember that he did? 

- Remembering vs thinking 

- Believing / knowing

- Glitches in the matrix

- Creating a thought and holding on to it or creating new thoughts over and over

- Birthing belief

- Activating a thought in another human being 

4 more days

The days go by slowly but the weeks past in a blink. It's like floating on the sea, watching a great big wave coming towards me in slow motion. I already know that it's coming. I've already decided that it's only sensible to remain calm, while I still can. I've prepared myself as much as I can. I've played so many scenarios out in my head. I've started scheduling appointments for the end of next month. As much as I can know what's going to happen, I already do. And after all of that thinking and waiting for so long, I'm bored. The wave is still on its way. It wasn't so high when I first noticed it, but now it's towering above me, casting a shadow over everything around me. Still, it's going to take a while more to crash down on me. I've even gotten used to the shadow. Soon everything is going to fall down on me. And that won't be in slow motion anymore. I guess that's just how things change. Gradually, then suddenly.

Last week

When I walked in the sun and looked up at the flowers in the trees I noticed that I was smiling. I thought to myself - this is what true happiness feels like. A sunny day in springtime. Sitting on a train, next to the window, leaning my head on the cool glass. A pretty song in my head. Sidewalks covered in fallen petals. The words "hey sunshine". Heart cells, contracting and expanding. Tanks of transparent fishes in a room filled with the sound of water gurgling up and down plastic pipes. Pineapple flavored frozen yoghurt. Raising up my hands and crying out "yay!" and then nearly tripping over a crack in the pavement. 

Waking up

Springtime in the east coast

Life is beautiful. I'm very very happy. 

But sometimes there are strange scenes that crawl into my head at night. I wake up alone, slightly overwhelmed, and wonder: how could somebody so smart be so stupid?