Not Fade Away

21 May

It was an early evening and the sky was turning dark.

We got off the bus and walked side by side towards his house. He said, "Actually dying doesn't seem so bad. I mean, life, all this shit - it's so fucking tiring man."

"Hmm ya. Some dude said something like that, like... 'Dying is easy, it's this day to day living that wears you out.'*" I said, holding his hand. 

"Well that's a very smart guy who said that. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it. Can't see the point of it all."

"Don't say that it's not true."

We continued walking. He started talking about something else. I don't remember what it was. What I remember is that but in my heart then I knew there was a point. Life is okay, there's something to live for. I can't name it, but I can feel its warm glow inside of me, like street lights in the night. 

* “Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to dayliving that wears you out.” ― Anton Chekhov. 

Bloody headlights

I dreamt I was driving a car on a dark road and all I could see was a pool of light and the white stripes on the road. The car was full of people and voices I couldn't see either. I was driving down a straight road and going very fast and at some point I thought I might have hit something but the sound left as quickly as it came. I said should I stop?? And a voice told me it's nothing, carry on, and as I drove on I realised that the white stripes of the road had bloody streaks across them, but that's not possible, unless the bloody streaks were on my windshield instead. 

Dream: 06-May-14

The other day I dreamt of a grey sky and a building submerged in the water, and I was walking around the side of it following behind M and both of us were holding on to the side of the building trying to keep as close as possible, because we were walking along the top line of these stone steps that led into the water. There were enormous black and silver fishes in the water, swimming near the surface and coming very near me and I had to step carefully so that I wouldn't get my shoes too wet or step on the fishes instead. They looked like the fishes Hee and I saw when we were at the river safari last week.

After that we were walking along a path in a small forest, which opened out into a sunny clearing where there were restaurants and we sat down for brunch.

He started talking about how shit his life was, like all the difficult things and I was telling him that surely it's not so bad. We were waiting for somebody to turn up, and like in dreams, that person could have been either of two people, even though the second person I remembered would have been completely out of point.

I woke up and the main thing I remembered was saying "but you have a gorgeous wife". The rest of the day I kept thinking about the grey sky and the big fish that were swimming around too close. 

MND

Sometimes I can't help it, the colours bleed out of the borderlines and I look like I'm out of control.

If I could keep cool all the time I would, and would act like it, but it's always a matter of choice, a subjective choice, and if I don't see that I have to be I just wouldn't choose to be.

If I had to suffer all the misery in the world just so I could turn my head and see you looking at me and smiling I think I can make myself ok with that

At the end of the day if you're happy I'm happy