Lame Shit

It was a Wednesday night in February. He had come over to smoke a  cigarette, late at night, for the fourth time in two weeks. After that they went upstairs to her bedroom to talk, him sitting on the floor again while she sat in bed. 

After 3am she asked him what was going on and he asked if he could have some soup. She got out of bed and made him a bowl of soup, but nothing happened and they both went for class the next morning and she waited for him outside on the sidewalk wearing a white furry sweater and a blue pencil skirt. 

At his place they lay on his bed, not touching and barely talking. He lay opaque on the other side and didn't look at her. She thought all right I'm going to leave. Nothing's going to happen like this. 

Derivatives

Most recently I have been thinking a lot about derivatives and applying the basic concept to ideas in my head about perception and reality. There is what is, and what is perceived which also is. The state of being belongs to an infinite of things. It is infinite and it is inifity. Zero doesn't exist. Nothing can be derived from zero except itself. I am tempted to think there is one thing which all things are derived from but that sounds religious, and I don't know what that could possibly be. It should be zero, but the relationship doesn't make sense. It is something related, but nothing can be directly related to nothing. 

I know derivatives to measure how one variable changes in relation to a change in another variable. The derivative of a constant number is zero because it doesn't change. If all things have to be derived from one thing, or is the one thing, then it means that matter and perceptions and people and thoughts are also derivatives and also only a measure of how one thing changes relative to another. I look at your arm and the experience is not relative to one thing, it is relative to time, light, space, and hundreds or thousands of variables at work. Even dimensions are infinite to discover as I look at your arm. But for common use it seems 3 and a few more are sufficient. Not all of them as obvious as what we know. 

Nothing exists absolutely. Even the most material or abstract things. Maybe only zero. 

Actually the only real use I find for this thought right now is that it's changed the way I imagine relationships and ideas visually in my head. It used to be a disconnected cloud but now I see points and derivative curves and a big big big round sphere of infinity. 

More importantly I guess if everything is derived from another then it becomes even clearer that nothing exists independently. Nothing can stand on it's own strength. And everything does and should matter to anything. 

"Do you feel like your life is one thing that's happening continuously or more like whatever flood of crap that flies in your face every day when you wake up?"

The idea of life being a united, singular and ongoing event isn't really working out for me. In the city I feel like things keep happening and taking me along with them, especially compulsions to escape what is my real life that are growing stronger and stronger. Even my legitimate responsibilities are also a kind of diversion, or evasion from something which would supposedly be more real. It creates a real confusion where I can't tell what is important and what isn't anymore. And it seems to be getting worse as the lines of reality blur in my experiences and I don't know what is and isn't, anyway. 

Shek O

We took a taxi from our hotel to the beach. We got out a bit seasick from the mountain roads. When we walked onto the sandy beach it was cloudless sunny and the sea glittered.We laid out a straw mat and lay on our tummies side by side.  The sun was bright and our jeans got hot. I looked at you and everything was great.