Coastin'

No idea where I'm going and sometimes that's immensely enjoyable and sometimes I don't enjoy it so much. It doesn't seem like a positive quality for a young person to possess, though. I listen to people who act like they've got it all together, people who've got a plan. I thought I'd become more and more like those people and less and less like me. But I was only learning how to talk like them, act like them. It's nice, and why not? It would be better if I believed it all, but now I don't. It's fizzed out a little, maybe. I'm losing interest in things, losing interest in people, losing motivation to keep up any pretense of a disciplined lifestyle. I want to jump in the sea and stay there for a long time. I want to drive around and go anywhere I want, any time I want. If I go soon I'll have good time for the return. I'm scared of losing my sense of direction and not being able to find my way back.

Phuket

There you are

Oh there you are. 

No I'm not. 

What? 

I'm not here. Go away. 

What? What? That doesn't even make sense. Come on. Let's go. 

You go. I'm not going anywhere. 

You're going to stay here forever?? 

No. 

Then let's go. Get up. Let's go now. 

No. I don't want to go. 

What? Why not? 

I just don't want to go and I don't want to go with you. 

What's wrong with me? 

Nothing. Nothing's wrong with you. I just won't go with you. 

Why not? 

I'll get upset. It's no good if I go with you. I don't want to go back to the way things were. I'd rather stay here on my own. 

Come on. Don't say that. It's ok. Weren't things ok? It's really all ok most of the time, isn't it?

No it's not, that's what you think, and that's what's wrong with the whole thing. It's not actually ok. And just because I feel that way and you don't doesn't mean you're right and I'm wrong about it. 

Ok, ok. Come on. 

Come on what?

You won't come with me? 

No I won't. I'm sorry. I wish I could but I can't. I really can't anymore. 

Then... Then can I stay here? 

What?

Then can I stay here? I've been looking for you all over the place. I came here and found you. I wasn't going to leave without you. I didn't know where we were going to go but I thought we would go together. So if you're not moving, fine. I've got nowhere to go. I'm just going to stay. 

Who said you can stay here?

Who said you could stay here? 

Fine. Ok. 

Could you move over. I'm going to lie down. I'm really tired. Thanks. 

Rut

I was twisting a flower around my finger until the stem broke. This was in a dream. The question is not whether you are happy or not but whether you should be happy or not. Some people keep quiet and it's strange to hear them speak, but you end up spending the whole night waiting for it anyway. You know that people all have stories. They're playing in your head, all day and at night while you lie in bed, eyes open. And you thought that's what happens for everybody else as well, but maybe that's not the case. 

Recent thoughts Jun-14

1. Having no time is an excuse because time is a resource and being able to make time and manage your time is about efficiency and productivity and resourceful. 

2. It's Lawrence's world, and we're all just living in it. 

3. I really like this pink dress. I think I'm going to buy it in black as well. 

4. We went to the stadium. The audience sat in their chairs as the music started. I still don't know how the sound brought me close to tears. It wasn't even that good. 

5. All my life I thought one day a great big wave would pick me up and take me away with it. The closest experience I've had so far is being part of a Kallang Wave. I wonder if that's what I wanted all along. 

《青玉案·元夕》

东风夜放花千树，
更吹落、
星如雨。
宝马雕车香满路。
风箫声动，
玉壶光转，
一夜鱼龙舞。
蛾儿雪柳黄金缕，
笑语盈盈暗香去。
众里寻他千百度；
蓦然回首，
那人却在
灯火阑珊处。

-辛弃疾

Horizon Green

I looked around and everything was greyed out. 

The best things appear without you realising and are still there when you do. 

This week I told someone that he's perfect

Do you feel overwhelmed when good things happen to you?

Yeah, I still feel that way a lot. 

Why do you feel weird? Isn't this what you always wanted?

Maybe I just wanted these things because I wanted to get what I want, and I didn't care about the thing at all.

So do you know what you want now?

Not really. It always changes, but I'm figuring it out. It's like some sort of sick process. If I want something I go and get it and then when I get it I can then see if I wanted it at all to begin with.

That's perverse. That sounds tiring and a bit selfish.

Yeah you're right. It is tiring. And I am a bit selfish. So what?

Pick and choose

I am incredibly sad right now / I am incredibly happy right now

Everything is just fucked up / Everything is just great 

The future looks like shit / The future looks beautiful 

It's getting worse / It's just getting better 

There's no hope / There's so much hope 

I will never have anything I want / I will have everything I ever wanted 

Life is terrible / Life is amazing