In the mood

Post valentines

A bit longer and you start to think that you've never been in love before. That it was always about the concept rather than the person. That's not how it should have been. Making boys into superhero characters in your head and in your long handwritten letters. Breaking them down and making them weep for themselves, having to live in this box of your expectations. Even the ones who truly tried had to extricate themselves at some point. And you didn't consider any of this, all you could do was to cry on the phone. The notion of love in your mind was informed by old Disney cartoons and Hollywood movies. Prince Charming kisses Snow White. All she did was lie there. Happily ever afters. Why does real life have to be so imperfect and difficult? Why am I so imperfect and difficult? 

This treatment is not very interesting to anybody but thankfully you've found ways to talk these catastrophic failures into funny little anecdotes to share at the dinner table. There's no point taking yourself so seriously. 

Hands

You might have thought about it once or twice in your life, just barely. Somebody mentions it in a throwaway comment and then you can't stop thinking about it for the next three days. 

The older I get. The harder it is to distinguish between what I remember and what I imagine. The feelings are about the same. 

Supposedly moving out this week

Books can be such treacherous things they trap you and pull you away from reality. When it's over you're left hungry and alone in an unmade bed, too lazy to get up to open the windows, blearily shoving away the food wrappers and cigarette ash to the side away before you finally close your eyes to rest.

I might as well have a drug problem for all these fantasy land kind of thoughts and my deep incompetence at managing practical affairs. 

Anyway I'm just exaggerating. I read too quickly to really develop severe problems from the habit. 

Golden

2016

Jingle bells

the holidays are my favourite time of year. For an attention seeking needy baby like myself, being bathed in love and attention for a consecutive number of days and receiving/giving presents is like !!! Kill me now, because I know everything will suck after this. 

I was looking forward to this weekend for so long. It's amazing not being disappointed. 

Obviously

Once you feel like you are invincible, like you can get anything in the world that you want, that's when you realise that the thing you really want is the one thing you cannot have and then you feel so upset. Upset at what though? Is it just that you want it BECAUSE you cannot have it? Because it makes you obsessed like nothing else? Or are you self sabotaging? Was your initial confidence the lie? Whatever it is, it keeps you wide open at night. You lie in your bed, face up, staring into the abyss. 

Being able to face up to my state of confusion is good in the sense that I don't feel so guilty wasting time anymore. It's not like I even know what else to do. 

December 2

I take back everything I said about there being little to do in the office. When one makes a sweeping generalization like that, one creates a golden opportunity for the mischievous prankster forces of universe to assert themselves. And they do, gleefully and masterfully. It is impressive and just as amusing, to you. You don't feel any less like the ultimate creator and narrator of your destiny, even if you are its greatest victim. 

Bug bites

I don't have any enemies
Wow are you really so nice?
Don't think so, do people usually have enemies
Maybe not
I find that most of the time
it's just me