Sleeplessness

Something is happening. It's hard to get to sleep these days. Going to work because that's the only time I'm not thinking about the thing I'm trying not to think about. To a limited extent of course. You know me, I run on obsession and or habit. 

I spent a lot of time with the H brothers this week and I am really so grateful that there are these people in my life I can be total shit around. Right now everything is in shambles. Tomorrow I will make a list of all the things I need to do to un fuck my life. It'll get better. It can't really get any worse. 

In the mood

Post valentines

A bit longer and you start to think that you've never been in love before. That it was always about the concept rather than the person. That's not how it should have been. Making boys into superhero characters in your head and in your long handwritten letters. Breaking them down and making them weep for themselves, having to live in this box of your expectations. Even the ones who truly tried had to extricate themselves at some point. And you didn't consider any of this, all you could do was to cry on the phone. The notion of love in your mind was informed by old Disney cartoons and Hollywood movies. Prince Charming kisses Snow White. All she did was lie there. Happily ever afters. Why does real life have to be so imperfect and difficult? Why am I so imperfect and difficult? 

This treatment is not very interesting to anybody but thankfully you've found ways to talk these catastrophic failures into funny little anecdotes to share at the dinner table. There's no point taking yourself so seriously. 

Hands

You might have thought about it once or twice in your life, just barely. Somebody mentions it in a throwaway comment and then you can't stop thinking about it for the next three days. 

The older I get. The harder it is to distinguish between what I remember and what I imagine. The feelings are about the same.