Memory Games

How did you know that he loved you?

I just remember that he did. That's how I knew then. That's how I know, now.

What if he didn't actually love you at all?

Then why would I remember that he did? 

- Remembering vs thinking 

- Believing / knowing

- Glitches in the matrix

- Creating a thought and holding on to it or creating new thoughts over and over

- Birthing belief

- Activating a thought in another human being 

4 more days

The days go by slowly but the weeks past in a blink. It's like floating on the sea, watching a great big wave coming towards me in slow motion. I already know that it's coming. I've already decided that it's only sensible to remain calm, while I still can. I've prepared myself as much as I can. I've played so many scenarios out in my head. I've started scheduling appointments for the end of next month. As much as I can know what's going to happen, I already do. And after all of that thinking and waiting for so long, I'm bored. The wave is still on its way. It wasn't so high when I first noticed it, but now it's towering above me, casting a shadow over everything around me. Still, it's going to take a while more to crash down on me. I've even gotten used to the shadow. Soon everything is going to fall down on me. And that won't be in slow motion anymore. I guess that's just how things change. Gradually, then suddenly.

Last week

When I walked in the sun and looked up at the flowers in the trees I noticed that I was smiling. I thought to myself - this is what true happiness feels like. A sunny day in springtime. Sitting on a train, next to the window, leaning my head on the cool glass. A pretty song in my head. Sidewalks covered in fallen petals. The words "hey sunshine". Heart cells, contracting and expanding. Tanks of transparent fishes in a room filled with the sound of water gurgling up and down plastic pipes. Pineapple flavored frozen yoghurt. Raising up my hands and crying out "yay!" and then nearly tripping over a crack in the pavement. 

Waking up

Springtime in the east coast

Life is beautiful. I'm very very happy. 

But sometimes there are strange scenes that crawl into my head at night. I wake up alone, slightly overwhelmed, and wonder: how could somebody so smart be so stupid?

On the road, jack kerouac

They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

Life is Beautiful

I love him and he has no idea. Which is a good thing. 

as good as being in love if not better

Leaving Los Feliz

Life is pretty great

Current mood