April Ends

All the long conversations with X feel like marking time, drawing lines in the sand and sitting on the beach watching the tide wash them away. Sometimes we hustle and run around and do stupid things and sometimes we just sit around festering in limbo and intertia like pickles in a pickle jar. Getting crunchy.

Womb

Everything is better when x is around. If anybody can understand who I am in the world there is really only her. 

The trip was very good. Slept. Drank milk. Italian restaurants. Hung out with A and family at the most beautiful wedding weekend. Drove around Los Angeles. Ate a block of cheese with Xiu on the plane. Read 2666 and was sorry when I finished it. 

Hot day

We took an afternoon nap and walked to the beach.

I'm just me, you know that, right? 

San Francisco 2016

Coming to the U.S. to see X is really a no brainer in the sense that I don't need my brain when I'm with her. The itinerary is always super simple. We wake up and wake the other person up and then we throw something on top of our pajamas so that we can go outside to find something warm to eat and or drink. After we eat we walk to the store and buy a few things. We go home and change into proper clothing and laze around. We go to a museum or a pizza store or a thrift store. We might meet up with a friend. When we get tired we go sit down in a cafe. We look at little children. We wait for each other outside the restrooms. On the sidewalks and in various app-hired cars we talk and talk and talk and talk about our parents and big sister and the past week and the last three months. We go through all the thoughts that have crossed our minds in the time apart as if we have not also been continuously texting each other the past three months. "Those are brain farts, it's not counted", said X this afternoon. We sit on the carpet eating Doritos Cool Ranch and chocolate chip cookies. We talk some more and we disagree and then we talk some more and change our minds. We turn on the lights when it gets dark. I talk about all the anxieties in my head all the time. X says let's make a list then we can do something about them one by one. 

Bugs

Work

Burglars

Sensitive skin

Losing things 

Inflamed gums 

Myopia 

Weight gain

At dinner I tell X and A that I'm terrified of something terrible happening at work while I'm away and it being all my fault. Everybody shouting "AAAAGH Y, that stupid bitch!" A laughs and assures me that everything will be exactly the same when I go back and nothing disastrous is going to happen. Later I get into bed thinking well, even if it does, it's not like I can do anything about it.